I think I've found the problem. I think I need a bigger age to be considered for ministry not as a volunteer.
Right now at our church we're doing a 'series' on discovering and implementing your spiritual gifts. This was perfect timing for me, because boy have I ever been questioning everything! I love spiritual gifts tests, and the like, and was thus so excited for this. In taking the tests it was bold in my face how ministry passionate I am. I struggle because I think maybe I'm supposed to be getting a 'real' job and then just do ministry on the side, or allow my job to be ministry. But I want ministry TO BE my job! The test was off the charts confirming my gifts and passions, which was good, because I was starting to doubt it all.
Shepherd. Leader. Administrator. Giver. Teacher.
Wow. And yet, why does it seem all so hopeless here? As I glance through the statuses, the updates, the pictures posted of people whose job IS ministry, or who are so clearly being led into impactful ministry, I get jealous. My heart is so ministry. Is that bad of me? I so want to be content where the Lord has me, and yet I'm SO not. I want to get my hands dirty and I want to be using my gifts! I want to feel ALIVE again! Pray for us, would you? It seems we've been praying long for jobs, for better schedules, for full time (or even part time) ministry, for unified dreams (and dreams at all) and yet no answer. And for our very health, something has to change. Pray with us? Tell me I'm not crazy for so desiring to be a part of His work? Love you all. Thanks for journeying with us, though so very far away. We love you.
I hear you...I totally hear you.
ReplyDeleteI'm being humbled though in this season as God is revealing to me that maybe I love ministry more than I actually love people. Eeek!
Ministry can be addicting. It totally makes you feel alive! But why don't I feel so alive right now when obedience means taking care of my sick mother-in-law and doing little things around the house? I long to teach, to lead worship, to mentor...anything! But somehow loving my neighbor and serving the 'least of these' in my context doesn't give me the same ministry 'thrill' or spiritual 'high' as those other things would. I think I'm addicted! I left a context where I was known, where my gifts were acknowledged and appreciated, where I had numerous titles and positions. And now I'm here as....just myself?
God isn't out to trick us, and I think if he's put in your heart a desire for full-time ministry as he's put in mine, he will bring that to fruition. But he's taking us through seasons of pruning, so we can bear fruit when the time is right. I know in my life this season is also about learning to be motivated by the right things--namely, love for God and people, not my own desire for acknowledgment, satisfaction, a sense of purpose or wanting to see fruit.
Psalm 78 talks about David, who shepherded the people under him "with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them." I may consider myself ready in terms of skill or gifting, but God alone knows my heart!
Even if we are not "doing", it doesn't mean that we are not part of his work. God is always "doing" in and through us.
Praying with and for you, friends! :)